I had a bad week. Nothing catastrophic happened, but nothing just seemed to really work out either. I was annoyed this week, at everyone, everything, just irritable and probably not the nicest to those around me. I dislike myself when I am this way. However, at least I know the why behind these feelings and this mood of the week: uncertainty. It also didn’t likely help that the journaling topic of the week was “thoughts and thinking” and that’s always brought up negativity in me (more on that tomorrow).
Uncertainty at work prevails. I am teacher in a district which has seemed to be facing difficulties for the last 5 years, and every April/May my life becomes another round of an uncertain future. If there’s one thing I truly have difficulties with, it is uncertainty. Uncertainty for a person with Anxiety is like a constant hurricane swirling in the mind. Unrelenting. Seemingly unending.
But of course it always ends. Things always seem to work out, usually in the best way. But it is that time in between that can be just overwhelming.
It doesn’t escape me that just a few posts ago I was also talking about uncertainty and how a certain meditation came about just when this uncertain period was starting. Unforutnately, I have not yet been able to fully embrace automatic mindfulness in the face of difficulty. It comes with practice and practice is what I continue to do. Each day I have continued with my meditations and journaling and for those few moments I have calm and clarity. Those are moments I cherish. If only they could be every moment. I suppose that is what mindfulness gives us, the ability to make that every moment. We will all have bad days, weeks, but we can stop, be in the present, know that this too, shall pass and see things in perspective.
I needed to remember that more this week. Hopefully next week I’ll remember that in the right moments instead of too late to help the moment.